you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize