3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
