my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
