If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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