I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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