Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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