we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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