Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
