This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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