i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
