Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
