i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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