So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
