i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
