Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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