I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
