I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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