I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
