remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
