I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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