tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
