Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
