It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
