if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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