smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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