Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
