Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
