my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
