**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
