just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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