Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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