maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
