Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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