Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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