you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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