So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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