i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
