my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
