dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
