I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
