We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
