hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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