I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
