Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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