u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
