If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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