Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
