were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize