I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
