I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
