Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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