I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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