A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we're so committed to being not committed
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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