apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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