He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
