I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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