my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she pinky promised me she was 18
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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