she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
