Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
