is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Don't make out with my wife yet
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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