I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
